I really hadn’t been sure I was ready to come back. An existence without pain or suffering had been bliss. Imagine waking up everyday and not having a knot in your stomach. Not worrying about bills, not replaying something stupid you said that one time a million years ago that you wish you could take back, not wondering if you’re doing the right thing, if that person likes you or if you’re going to get that promotion. Imagine not being worried about getting hurt, or sick. Imagine not ever feeling insecure about yourself, in any way. Seriously, can you imagine how that would feel? I doubt it. I know I wouldn’t have been able to. And that’s okay. Because we’re not supposed to. But you know something I realized, sitting up here floating in compete bliss? This isn’t what it’s all about.
No, it’s all that crappy stuff that’s important. In the darkest, most uncomfortable, hard times is where the lessons are. You probably just read that and felt like you understood what I mean, but I assure you… you don’t. You won’t fully understand until you’re where I am. Looking down at people like you, wishing I could help you through your hard times. Wishing I could tell you it’s going to be okay. To tell you that even though you feel like you can’t survive this.. you will. And you’ll come out stronger, and full of more understanding than where you began. It’s really pretty beautiful to watch. It can also be very sad. But after so much watching, and understanding, I have decided I am ready to go back. I want to do things differently, I want to take these lessons and this clearer vision, and use it to make a difference. Focus on the things I should have, forget all the rest. It doesn’t matter. It never mattered. I know I won’t remember any of this, but somewhere deep inside of whatever I am that sits in the deepest part of my chest, I know I’ll have fragments of this. I know it’ll make a difference, I’ll be different.
Head first from the skies, the horizon changes from black to beautiful oranges and pinks. Clouds whizzing passed me at speeds that makes it hard to even realize they are clouds. The curvature of the planet is beautiful, and it feels like home as I approach the surface faster and faster. The wind wraps around me, making tears form at the corners of my eyes and then carried up into the atmosphere, just another part of me left in this beautiful sky. I raise my face up, closing m eyes, arching my back and spreading my arms out. “Falling makes better memories than flying” a quote, I can’t remember where from, runs through my head, and I laugh as I wonder But what if you're doing both? The ground comes fast and hard and I feel myself sink deep into the folds of Earth, and then black. For a long time, just black.
Light cuts through the inkiness and I feel my soul shake off the dust. Like I’d been sleeping, hibernating, resting, waiting. For how long? I have no idea. But it doesn’t matter because now I have this beautiful light. Pure and strong. I move towards it. So close, I outstretch my arms… so close. Just a little closer…
“It’s a girl!”